I was at the Gathering of the Shamans 2019.
My apprenticeship group had just finished an initiatory weekend and a handful of us headed to Sedona to assist our teacher. I had also been recruited to assist the event coordinator of the Gathering.
As we rounded up the assistants and gave them their rundown of the weekend, one stood out and my lightning assessment had me knowing, like my “knowing's” in the gym...I was assessing another high-performance athlete.
Just like any elite athlete that does breathwork, this one had a mind-blowing experience during the event, took on a new name and declared himself “awake”, as he stood on the stage in front for all to see and experience his name being gifted to him.
I held space and gave support at the event, I held space and gave him support online, allowing him into my private community and gave him a safe space to experiment with his posts and messaging for years, as he navigated his spiritual journey and his self-importance.
Like we all have, it’s part of the process.
June 2022, I had a full hysterectomy and the most epic shamanic death I have experienced to date.
Raging white water, crashing against the cradling of mother earth,
shifting directions, rolling balls of fury,
spraying rainbow filled droplets of water
as the river thrashes down the ancient carved out liquid trail.
The sun beats down reflecting off the cool misty spray,
drying the logs and branches hanging into and over the river.
He’s face down, jammed in the logs, the water rushing over his lifeless body
As Pacha Mama calls him home.
Gasping for air, my eyes shoot open as my hand reaches for my heart.
My eyes fall upon the big lump of a husband, all tucked in, breathing peacefully beside me.
He’s alive...you can breathe
I repeat to myself over and over until my heart comes back into a resting space.
I chose not to tell him; it was just a dream...right?
2 days later, he was looking at his phone with his eyebrows furrowed. “The white-water rafting group says the river may be too dangerous to be on, a man has been missing for a couple of days now.”
My mind goes into overdrive, you must tell him! His life may be in danger!
Someone JUST died on that river and now you are going to let your husband go?
My truth is, I cannot control anyone’s actions.
And, I can provide him with the information I received, and he then can make better informed decisions. So, I choose to share my dream and request that he stays acutely aware of his surroundings and if he gets a red light when they get out there, call it, don’t go. He agrees.
The Surgeon’s office calls, there has been a cancellation. Do I want to have my hysterectomy next week?
Seth will leave 3 days after my surgery if I move it up.
Am I okay with healing by myself?
Oooh, this is a big test, but should I even have to test myself at this point?
Is it fair to ask him to stay home when this group has been planning it for months?
Nah, I got this, it will be fine!
Surgery day arrives, I’m tucked into my room, Seth has gone for the night and I’m ready for dreamland. Screeching pierces my ears as desperate words form in a female voice, get away from me!
Get him out of here!
Wailing, scurrying carts, the shuffle of feet, squeaks off the floor as humans shift in the hallway.
More deep voices arrive with more shuffling, as she continues to wail.
I can’t stand it, what’s going on out there?
My heart is pounding in rhythm with the throbbing in my womb space.
Adrenaline pumping through my veins shoots me out of bed to peer out from behind my flimsy curtain door. My swollen eyes are bombarded with a handful of black security vests as I am hit with an energetic wall of searing trauma.
Shell shock hurls me back into my bed as the panic attack sets in.
I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe....nurse!
The next 3 days and nights are filled with dream after dreams of the violence I have already processed in this lifetime. Experiencing it on a whole new level, drug induced, the excruciating pain aligns with the excruciating experiences and creates new trauma.
While my husband packs for his trip to perhaps face his own death.
The morning arrives.
As he stands in the doorway of our bedroom looking down at me, in my hazy space, I attempt to memorize every particle of his being I can. My heart shatters as I hear, what I feel, is the last “goodbye” seep from my moist lips as tears fall down my cheeks.
I must let him go. This is the Shaman’s way.
Attach on the inhale and detach on the exhale.
How am I going to do this alone? I can’t do this! Don’t leave me!
Can’t you see I need you right now?
He must choose. It’s not your choice. You must let him go.
As I heard the truck pull away, deafening stillness entered the room and something died inside me.
The next 24 hours became a trauma/drug induced space of out of body experiences.
I willed myself to go into intentional deep meditation.
As usual, I ended up on the top of the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacan and was reminded that we are all one and I have access to him and his energy whether it's on this physical plane or not. I have already experienced this phenomenon with others...and... I did choose to marry a firefighter.
Every day he puts his life on the line. Every day.
He is at work right now as I type this letter...he may not come home tomorrow.
This is the life I chose. This is the story I created.
If he dies on the river...he will die doing something he loves with so much passion...he is a water element, after all.
Just because your head receives information, does not mean your body receives it until you teach it. You can parrot the information out your mouth all you want; how will you react when it happens for realzies?
This wonderfully crafted experiment the universe and I danced through, shed light on mental triggers around domestic violence and abandonment. My physical body writhed in excruciating pain, ripped out female parts and was inundated with drugs that my brain couldn't process.
This lead to a lethal combination and perfect storm when I was left with only 1 day of help and then left isolated at home, to heal alone.
The contents of the pill bottle accidentally spill into the palm of my hand as I reach for my next dose.
Stillness permeates the room as I have a chat with the Universe.
I’m done playing this way.
If you want to use me as your vessel to serve humanity, I need a softer way.
I have succeeded in my pursuits in this lifetime; I have nothing to prove to anyone and I just watched my soulmate, my warrior, walk out the door.
I’m putting down my sword.
I absolutely could leave this earth right now and be so proud of what I have already accomplished within healing my ancestral lines in this lifetime.
I’m not scared of you, Angel of Death.
If you want me to stay and be in service, I want a new storyline filled with joy and service.
So mote it be.
Clearly, I chose life at that moment, and my work began anew.
Step one was a doozy.
I chucked out the poison given to me by the surgeon. I birthed children with no drugs, I can do this too.
I had to create new ways to process pain and trauma, as my "go to" is big releases through big ugly snot cries. “Get it all out at once and it's done” turn on the firehose and release.
Ya, that doesn't work when you can't breathe!
I had to adjust my breathwork and figure out how to release the energy without the big explosion, as all my intercostal rib muscles were screaming. I didn't know they were going to blow my insides up like a balloon and stretch me to my limits from the inside in that surgery...I felt like I had been beaten with a baseball bat.
How do I process trauma without crying?
Without expanding my ribcage? No deep breaths.
Keeping my breath turtle slow and steady when my adrenals are firing like I was about to die, because that's what it felt like.
Hours of recapitulation of whatever timeline showed up, spending hours a day with each of my inner children that still had residual hurts left to clean. Paying attention to what still had energy left in it and what could be completely cut and transmuted.
I'd go to sleep and wake up crying and had to hold and remind my body we weren't releasing that way this time; we are trying it this other way.
Seth was gone a week with no contact.
We went an entire year without triggering each other, it was bound to happen and apparently it needed to happen over the Solstice portal. And I needed to be alone for it. I'm proud of our ability to communicate and work through the misalignments that happened.
We are human and the greatest and most powerful teaching that got me through this whole ordeal was the fact that we, as humans, can hold duality.
I love you with everything that I am. And... you dropped me.
It reminded me that I am whole, all by myself. I got myself through that ordeal without the help of my significant other. I don't need him. I choose to have him in my life in this capacity we agreed on. It led to further communication around what unconditional love, relationships and boundaries look like and what I wanted and needed from a business partner versus an intimate partner.
The clarity from our experience and communication took us into a deeper yes from both sides, to continue with an intimate relationship.
Ocean Eagle caught me in that spiral the week I was alone.
A ninety-minute zoom call with my brother gave me enough clarity to see new future storylines.
A month later, the Universe lined up an opportunity for collaboration, and upon my suggestion, Seth joined Ocean’s first Activation Breathwork Facilitator 6-month program.
Why did I send him to Ocean, knowing he was so new into his spiritual awakening?
In my opinion, and it is just that, my opinion...
When you do this work, it’s not only internal work, you also need mirrors to work with as well. I knew Ocean and Seth had things to teach each other and were both able to hold each other through it. I also knew Ocean’s reluctance to accept teachers into his life because of some abusive behaviors of others we have both worked with in the past.
Here was an opportunity for men to work, heal and play together, in a safe space, with everyone comfortable in their assigned roles. They created a beautiful container where they all thrived and healed together, especially Ocean.
We chose to financially support Ocean’s book projects, and I wrote the forward for his book S.A.L.T. while Seth and I simultaneously birthed our own first work of medicinal art into the world. Bytes of Light, Evolving Leadership for the Spiritual Entrepreneur was birthed during the summer Solstice, June 21, 2023, one year and one week after my hysterectomy/spiritual death.
As the healing of my energetic and physical womb space continued,
I needed a woman.
I needed the earth. I needed Grama.
I found an embodiment of the medicine I needed and committed to Rebecca with my full heart.
(To read that incredible story, go to “Life and Death Lessons, the Truth Lies Within blog)
Our author team chose to have a pre-launch party in Salt Lake City.
Our authors and healers from across the country came to join us, including world famous Peruvian Shaman, Jorge Luis Delgado. Rebecca Haywood also graced us with her glorious presence and allowed Seth and I to facilitate breathwork for her, in full surrender.
It’s her story to tell...it was nothing short of miraculous.
I journeyed to Teotihuacan Mexico with Rebecca a couple months later, in November, where we facilitated healing for ourselves and for the collective (stay tuned for that blog coming soon).
While we were there, I shared my vision of bringing this medicine to the front line, that I have asked for the Universe to “show me the lights” as my beautiful friend Donna announces.
I want the cosmic breadcrumbs now please!
DAYS LATER, we got the call from Ocean.
“Want to come to Sedona and breathe with Lisa Ling?”
Not going to lie...my first response was, “Who is Lisa Ling?”
You must remember, or for those that don’t know my story...
I have been in a deep shamanic apprenticeship for years. I don’t watch cable TV.
I have essentially unplugged from the matrix and so far, my manifestation of my dreams is going swimmingly. The Universe did provide, when I said, “I’m done suffering this way”.
Before anyone answered that for me, I dropped into my body and asked source:
Do you need me in Sedona for this thing?
Will my presence assist whatever storyline you are working on for all involved?
Glaring green lights across the board.
(For those of you working on enhancing your intuition and are a high visual...red light, green light is not only is a fun game for kids. You can use this tool for yes and no answers with the universe)
On my “yes” to Seth, previous flights were changed, and new Airbnb's were booked.
Why change our holiday, you ask?
When you have committed to a life of service
and spirit says it’s “go time” ...
You go and you don’t ask questions.
It’s not for you to know why!
I sat back and witnessed many people creating their own storylines, navigating their personal importance, my feral ears picking up racial slurs and sexual innuendos swirling in the air and around the retreat center.
People may think predators don’t exist in the spiritual world...they are wrong.
I understood my mission in that moment.
Provide her a safe space to land.
Just like in the gym,
when my life was in Trampoline land.
30 years of standing under acrobatics flying.
Trying to spot earth from the galaxy,
learning how to fly.
Knowing, their Mama
will scoop them up,
even when they don’t know why.
And I tell you, I am a fucking awesome scooper, world class even.
And I don’t mean pooper, scooper.
Well...actually...Rebecca does always say, “Shaman's shit for the world”.
Apparently, I’m really good at scooping in this dimension as well. Some skills are transferrable.
It was my honor and pleasure to be in service to this divine angel.
Lisa Ling, know you are in all our prayers and energetic protection, always.
Thank you for answering Mama Gaia’s call and accepting your next mission.
YOU ARE WHOLE
YOU ARE HUMAN
YOU ARE DIVINE
Watch the whole segment here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJwGaKkwXpY&t=8s
For my Canadian loves, if it is still blocked when you try to access it, send me a message and I will share our copy with you!
Let's collectively move to insist the media to stop filtering much needed messages to the world!
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