The Vow I Swore To Keep, Tiger Medicine

I dreamt of him New Years eve 

Awakened and on the move 

To Banff he says… 

Haha, I’m up for Banff, always! 

You know I like it hot… 

The springs shall do just fine. 

Oh but wait, there’s the crystal store 

I’m sure something in there is mine. 

But the hotsprings… 

They can wait my love 

You always must follow 

The signs from above 

Go in there 

Shop for yourself 

You deserve for your heart to sing 

Tears fell as my heart chose 

The most precious ring. 

But why? I don’t need it 

Who said anything about need? 

Trust me my love 

It will make more sense soon 

Always know, I love you to the moon. 

A shamanic dreaming stone 

Now wraps around my finger 

The call comes in an hour later, 

He is with us no longer 

Surrounded by his brethren 

Discussing his gold things 

Our youngest wolf cub 

 Announces… 

“Dad wanted us all to have rings” 

I gasp as my heart tears 

Just a little more deep 

His kids don’t know at all 

As fresh tears fall 

The vow I swore to keep. 

The vow I swore to keep.  

How do you keep a vow to someone who is crossed over to the other side, when the ones you were sworn to teach, protect and love...don’t want it? 

I did the teaching, they carry my medicine, and his. 

I attempted to protect and that almost cost me my life. 

I loved. I loved so hard I lost myself. 

I fell, I fell hard. 

Crashed even. 

I punished myself. 

What kind of a healer are you, if you can’t even heal your own family? 

I leaned into the ultimate shamanic death and allowed Jose to soften my landing as I dissolved my human form and sank deep into the earth. 

Earth medicine. 

Where we go to reconnect within. 

Where we understand I, Me, We, Us, All. 

I heal through me; I hear them through me.  I hear HIM through me.

But where are the edges of him and of me? 

How dare he leave me. 

Years later, with my now deep roots spreading far and wide,

I do not move, this is where I reside. 

You want the love, you want the light, you know where to find me, day and night. 

I am done chasing your sacred yes. 

I hold my vows deeply, my yes lives in my chest. 

That part of my story will never change, as I witness the young ones go out on the range. 

As there isn’t just one, in this life of mine. 

My mission on earth this time is one of unconditional love. 

I am blessed with the mirrors that have shown up and the lessons bestowed upon from up above. 

To all my children that live in my heart: 

Mama Wolf is always here waiting, with copious amounts of love. 

** 

New Years 2020, my beloved brother, partner, plant medicine mentor, apprentice, and warrior/protector, lost his battle with Cancer.  

It has taken me 4 years to start writing about it in public, yet thousands of words and heartache have been shared in my apprenticeship with the Ruiz family and Lee McCormick. 

Why share at all you ask? 

When we go through traumatic events, do the work, and come out the other side, you bring medicine from the dark with you. 

When I say “dark”, I mean the earth. 

When you choose to dig out your traumas, it’s like digging in the dirt to reveal the lost pieces, like an archeological hunt. 

My Grandfather was a miner, and his last name was “Gold”. This process literally lives in my DNA, in my bone memory. 

I choose to lean into my lineage and rely on the gifts that were bestowed upon my family and share “my medicine” on the “how” to live a shiny golden life on this planet we call earth. 

I was recently called a “Dark Witch”, by someone who was afraid of my power, to subjugate me. 

A small smile creeps across my face, even writing that sentence. 

Thank You. 

Thank you for recognizing my medicine. Recognizing my divine connection and devotion to Mama Gaia. 

My roots are deep and strong and yes, some people will fear that.  

It’s none of my business what anyone thinks of me. 

I do not move; this is where I reside. 

I don’t need your yes, as mine lives in my chest. 

As I connect and call in the powerful energies from the other side, those who aren’t scared will show up for this ride. 

He was a tiger; My teacher. I am eternally grateful for his medicine.  

I add this archetype to my Master Shapeshifter Medicine Bag. 

Love, Respect and Discipline. 

Experience his journey: https://www.instagram.com/mydihsizhuhn/